That Can't Be - Part II

That Can’t Be

Part II

Written by Cassia Sherrill

The following days were a blur to Steven. It was a mixture of calls, preparations, and emotions. All he really wanted was to talk once more to Swayze so that he could fully understand what happened. Since he could not do that, he wanted to sit on the floor of his apartment and drink his emotions away. He had never been good at feelings and opening up, and he had always found comfort in the bottle. During their relationship, Swayze was constantly concerned with the amount of alcohol he would consume, and she was always trying to help him be better. However, she was never pushy. That was one great gift about Swayze. She had a wonderful outlook on people and life, and she always knew how to help without being pushy. It was in her constant care and encouragement that eventually led Steven to a sobriety program. He had been sober for almost a year and a half now, and he certainly considered it one of his greatest life achievements. None of it would have been possible without her though.

Now it was in the intensity of missing her that led him to wish for the taste of the sweet alcohol that would numb all of his feelings. He knew it wouldn’t make her proud, but it would ease the sting, even if just for a moment. Josh knew all about Steven’s struggle with substance abuse though and had constantly been checking in on him the last few days.

It was 11:00AM on the day of Swayze’s funeral. The ceremony was set for 12:30PM, but Steven still lay in his bed. His head was pounding with a migraine and his body was feeling emotionally numb from all the events of the past week. He was unfortunately the one who had to make the devastating call to Swayze’s loving parents. Never a phone call he in a million years would’ve expected that he would be in. With the communication of her parents and the support of his friends, he had coordinated the arrangements to move her body to the funeral home, and he had even helped with the planning of the receiving and funeral. Multiple times throughout the week he had been mistaken as Swayze’s husband or fiance just because of how much he had been around. It stung more and more each time it happened. Swayze and Steven had broken up about three months prior to the time of her death, but they had remained close friends. Their continued relationship was weird to most, but it made sense to them. He had been the one to pull away from the relationship though because he knew he still had a lot he needed to work through. Swayze, of course, was saddened but understanding, as she always was. Now in these times, though, he couldn’t help but think that he had something to do with her death. It was a thought and regret that was growing larger in his mind every day, and that is what caused the sting of being mistaken as her significant other to hit harder each time.

He knew he needed to get up and get ready for the funeral, but it was as his body was a rock. It didn’t want to be lifted from the bed, and he didn’t want to help it. He just laid there looking at the ceiling and wishing that he was drunk. Any feeling would be better than this one, right?

He heard his door unlock and open. I should have never given them a key…

He had given Josh and Swayze a key during his journey with sobriety to help him remain accountable with his recovery. Swayze had given her key back whenever they had broken up, but Josh had held onto his.

“Steven,” Josh called, “Are you still in bed? I’ve called you a million times.”

He and Heather gently knocked on the door to his bedroom and opened the door gently. She softly said, “Hey friend! We know it’s a hard day, and we are here for you. We are going to get through this together.” Her tears subtly found their way down her cheeks.

Josh took a step into the room and headed for his closet. He started picking out an outfit for Steven. “Yeah, man…you’ve got to get up and get ready. You know that Swayze would want you there. She would want us all there together.”

Steven still just laid there staring at the ceiling as he let out a deep sigh. A few moments of silence went by before he said, “I don’t think I can do this, guys. What if what happened to her is all my fault?”

Heather was quick to jump in and respond with “Steven, please, there is no way that this was your fault. You cannot let yourself think that, or it is going to eat you up inside.”

“Well, it is too late for that. It is eating me up. I can’t sleep, and I can hardly eat. All I want to do is drink. There must’ve been something more I could’ve said or done…”

Josh said on the edge of the bed and opened his mouth to offer a few words but nothing came. It was rare that Josh was out of words, but in the last few days, it had become a common trend.

Heather came and leaned her hands on the edge of the bed frame as if to steady herself. The three sat in awkward silence for a few moments until she, through shaky breath, mustered up some thoughts. “I think...I think when we think about it we are always going to come up with things we could’ve and should’ve done. The reality is...we all could’ve done more. Should’ve done more. But we didn’t know...and that is the hardest part. Knowing Swayze though, she probably didn’t want us to know anything was wrong at all…”

Steven grabbed his pillow and placed it over his face. He let out an aggressive but muffled scream into the pillow. He punched the side of his pillow a couple times and then screamed into the pillow once more. After a few moments of tense silence, he sat the pillow back down beside him and slowly sat up.

Josh placed a firm hand on Steven’s shoulder and looked him directly in the eyes. “I know you are hurting. I know you are mad. I know you do not understand. We are here for you and will continue to help you work through all these emotions, okay?”

Steven slowly nodded as Heather said, “For now, let’s go be there for our Swayze.”