The Life and Times of Fudge - Mountain Getaway Part I

The Life and Times of Fudge

Mountain Getaway

Part I

Written by Randy Sherrill

We just got our licenses to drive so we decided to go to the mountains and camp. We were teenage boys, ready for adventure so off we went, but some adventures are not wanted or expected.

There were the three of us, first was Gabe, my cousin, and then Greg, my best friend. Last was me, nicknamed “Fudge.” Gabe’s family owned a whole mountain (or so it seemed) in western North Carolina, and it was there that we started our adventurous journey.

We packed our gear and threw it all in Gabe’s truck. Once we started, we were hungry. The trip was only about two hours away, but still teenagers are always hungry for any kind of food. And we didn’t bring any snacks so we stopped at a Wendy’s fast food place and ordered our food to go.

Back on the road, we scarfed it down, hardly tasting it at all. All three of us got large chocolate Wendy’s Frostys, and they were really good. (Remember these as this becomes a major part of the story - a true story, that is!)

Gabe was driving, Greg was on the other side in the cab, and I was in the middle. Of course, his truck was 4 wheeling and manual transmission on the floor. The truck was not that big, and we had no extra space between us. In fact, I had to do the shifting when Gabe pushed the clutch in. Back in those days, the stick was on the floor. About an hour into the trip, what I ate really did not sit well at all. In fact, I was flatulent (this is a great word for farts)!

My gas was not in my stomach which causes belching. No, mine was all in my intestines and came out my rear end. (I’m trying to write nice for my mom otherwise I would put ass.) I could not hold it! Had to let go whenever it came. Boy, to this day, I have never smelled anything as bad as this coming out of my body! It was way worse than a skunk but fortunately did not last as long.

Remember now there was no space between us and when this came out of me, and well, Gabe and Greg wanted first to die and then kill me! The mountains are always cooler than the foothills, and this day was no different but down came the windows anyway. Greg hung his head out the window...well, I think half of his body cause all we saw was his butt. Gabe cursed me as he tried to focus on driving through the tears.

The farts just kept coming, and I did not think I was going to make it. Either by the gas build up or by the other two. You could almost cut the air with a knife. It was so suffocating, and the smell...WHOA!

Now they wanted to stop and throw me in the bed of the truck, but I said no way because it was too cold to ride back there. I stayed, and they just had to suffer with me and so they did. Finally, I thought it got to a point where, to put it nicely, I had to have a BM (bowel movement). (Again, nice way of saying it for mom!)

Gabe and Greg rejoiced and said, “Great!”

We pulled off at the next stop that had a restroom, and I mean the very next stop on the road. These guys wanted relief! As if I didn’t!

I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever, and then it was like the Fourth of July or a volcano erupting with explosions. It was really forceful, and I actually thought I had liftoff like a rocket at one point. After a couple of minutes, the BM came to an end, and I just had to see this crap. So turning around to see this shit (sorry mom) and seeing what I saw was just amazing. I should have taken a picture of it. The smell was again horrific, but at least, Gabe and Greg did not have to endure it.

I finished, cleaned up, and got back in the truck, again in the middle. Told the guys it was a success, no skid marks in the underwear and described the BM to them. I told them it actually looked like a Hershey’s kiss! Gabe said they almost drove off to leave me stranded, but I’m glad they didn’t. But the story continues. (True story!)

Back on the road in the truck with the windows up, the inside of the cab still permeated with the smell so down came the windows. Letting in the cold for the rest of the ride. We finally arrived at Gabe’s family’s place, thinking this was literally all behind us (just wait).

The place was cool, an old mountain home with a barn, farm equipment, and lots more stuff. Just what adventurous boys dream about! We got out of the truck, thankfully, and met Gabe’s uncle and his wife. They showed us around, and Uncle (don’t remember his actual name) told us the cabin was ready for us on the other side of the mountain. Picture on one side of the mountain was the house and farming to be done, huge spread. On the other side, just mountain, forest, and the cabin with a river that ran all around this particular mountain. There was also a road on the other side of the river.

I asked Gabe why in the world did he not spend more time up here. I would have, but he just shrugged it off as if it was nothing special to him. But as it turned out this was Greg and my only trip up here. We never went back.

Okay, now continuing with our adventure. For the first part of the climb over the mountain, Gabe’s Uncle would come with us. We went to the barn where Uncle had to get some things. First, it was some real good ole mountain moonshine that he did not give to us boys. But secondly, he grabbed a big chunk of homemade chewing tobacco that he called “Bull of the Woods.” That name was very appropriate. He took a piece, put it in his mouth, and started chomping. Yes, chomping not chewing. He then gave all of us a piece of the Bull of the Woods!

My cousin Gabe always chewed tobacco, and Greg dabbled a bit with snuff. I had never taken even a whiff of this stuff, and now I have a piece of homemade Bull of the Woods! Just great! Ha. Now I forgot to mention that I was the smallest of the three. Another reason I was in the middle of the truck. Gabe was our right tackle and fullback on our football team. Greg was our tight end. I was co-captain and middle linebacker, also played some guard on offense because the coach said I was good at pulling plays to go block someone which meant hitting someone. I loved to do that. But at 5’8” and a whopping 155lbs, not quite linesmen type. Anyway, the point being Gabe and Greg were bigger than me.

Now back to Bull of the Woods. So we all put this in our mouths although I was very reluctant to do this and was last to do so. The four of us began our climb. Uncle first, then Gabe, me, and lastly was Greg. We were headed single file up the mountain trail. Bull of the Woods, to me, was like eating SHIT (sorry mom)...not that I had any experience in this whatsoever! It was awful, horrific, anything bad you could think of, Bull of the Woods was it! But don’t swallow the juice! Let me just say, I did, and that was a big mistake! Gabe chewed as if this was his element, and he actually thought it was pretty good. I think he was lying. It was still in my mouth, but I still swallowed some. I was gagging with tears in my eyes. At the point of vomiting while walking, I just looked at the ground not letting anyone see me.

I know I had to be turning white as a sheet as I was getting really sick. I never came to vomiting, but my pace slowed so Greg passed me. Now I was last. As soon as I could, I spit all of the Bull of the Woods out! Nobody knew, and every time any of them turned back to me to ask if it was good, I immediately pushed my tongue to one side of my mouth as if the chunk of Bull of the Woods was still in there. And I would mumble, “Yeah, it’s good!”

After a while and feeling just fine, Greg kept looking back with me pushing out my cheek! He finally at one point asked me, “Are you still chewing this stuff?”

I laughed and said, “I spit it out way back at the start!”

He immediately got behind me and spat his out too. He looked a little green at this time and said, “That is the worst thing I’ve ever tasted.”

I could not imagine ever having any other. That was my first and my last chew ever! To this very day! So for the rest of the climb, whenever Uncle or Gabe would look back at us, we just poofed our cheeks out like we still had it in and kept chewing. We would say that it was good stuff! Thumbs up! It really seemed to make their day so we never told them what we did, but we never accepted another piece of Bull of the Woods.